Friday, November 5, 2010

Emotional Voyeurism

Somewhat against my better judgement, but otherwise with a dearth of creativity, I've decided to log my recent emotions and psychological tropes. It's a chance to break the mould, despite the fact nearly every post I've written has been breaking the mould I've already set myself. I should point out at this juncture that my current mood is uniformly negative - this glumness is no doubt what's motivating this post. Still, it's never been more apt to say...

Today's thoughts:

- Lonely. Quite apart from Anna's absence (we shall get to all the derivative emotions of the Annabsence shortly) I've found myself rather alone over the past week. There've been one or two people whose company I've enjoyed greatly, but other than that I've simply not seen anyone. Most people are too busy and the ones that weren't cancelled on me anyway. This absence of interaction is really not good for me.

- Friendless. Having recently spent an excellent night of revelry and debate with my best friend, I was shocked to reflect on our discussion and realise that he is in fact a Burkean conservative. This may not matter (or even mean anything) to most but it's really shaken me - I'm a passionate altruist and am thus genuinely unsure of how to connect with someone who's so vehemently against changing the status quo. Stupid? Petty, even? Doubtless, but it's still getting to me days later.

- Ennui (it's not an adjective but fuck it). I currently find myself damned to relentless purgatory, where a combination of friendlessness, fatigue and obligation to study have prevented me from really doing anything. That's not to say I've actually achieved any study - I'm just trapped at home trying to convince myself I'm a diligent student. When there really, truly is nothing to do all day, a kind of listless yet nagging feeling sets in and effectively puts a kibosh on enthusiasm or interest. Nothing can hold my attention for more than about fifteen minutes (I'm typing quickly). As a result I've become obsessed with finding something to do, such that I find myself blogging at 4am rather than sleeping (which is stupid, because sleeping is the most efficient pastime there is).

- Bereft. Anna has for two or so months been on a magical mystery tour of world, while I've been diligently studying (ha!) at home. This has been fantastic for her, obviously, and even rather good for me - it's reaffirmed just how passionately I care about our relationship. However, I got over that reaffirmation roughly one month ago and am now just feeling miserable. Studies done (and then reported about on show that love - that ethereal thing - acts much like an addiction and time spent away from its object actually causes withdrawal-like symptoms. So that's my excuse.

- Jealous. This has quite markedly never been an aspect of our relationship - to the extent where people feel moved to comment on and even encourage it. It's just never been a problem... until now (dun dun dun!!). I assume this is just a derivative of the bereft-ness, but I'm really lashing out against any strangers I see her meeting or acquaintences I see her making. I don't like it and I'm desperately worried it might become a permanent fixture. Fuck.

- Sexually frustrated. Really don't need to explain this one, but it's got to the stage where other people's sex lives piss me off. Even just oblique references make me fume, and this guy's really not helping.

That's it for my mope. I am unapologetic - sometimes it's good to get your anxieties out into the world. Isn't that what psychologists say? Advertise your emotional vulnerability through the most public medium possible? I'm pretty sure that's right.

TL;DR - I have emotions. In the finest musical tradition, too many negative ones have compelled me to share them with an unprepared and unwilling audience.

No comments:

Post a Comment